Dear Friend,
It was 2:36 in the morning when I found out. I still remember that moment like it was yesterday. I was staring directly into the mirror, right into my own bloodshot eyes, shaking from the shock and anger.
Could it be true? No, I didn’t want to believe it, but everything in my life said that it was. I didn’t realize it then but I was about to make a decision that would change my life forever.
How did it come to this?
I knew I had a weight problem, that wasn’t breaking news. At that precise moment I was exactly 54 pounds overweight and rising. The maddening part was that I had spent the previous 11 months trying everything I could to lose weight:
I was desperate. Not just from the weight, but because of the failure. I was trying to follow the advice of all the experts, but nothing was working. I knew it was my fault.
I didn’t have the willpower, motivation, or genetics to have the body I wanted and it was killing me more everyday.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, if you were friends with me back then you wouldn’t have known that all this was going on inside of me. If anything I seemed like one of the happiest people you’d ever known. I was always joking and laughing. I even joked about my weight, all the time, that’s how secure I was...on the outside.
But on the inside, I was miserable.
“The Salt and The Wound”
I didn't realize it then of course, but my life would change forever as soon as I walked into that party. I knew she was there, the girl I had a crush on for the last 2 years.
I had been drinking a little more than I should have and I decided it was time to finally ask her out.
We were casual acquaintances and she had always been pleasant enough, but I had never been able to get the nerve to tell her how I felt. I remember how nervous I was, sweaty palms, butterflies, practically hyperventillating.
I saw the guys she dated, they were all in great shape, I was not. But I decided that things had to change for me. I remember saying to myself “fine, if you’re gonna be fat, at least be a confident fat guy.”
So, I got my nerve up, walked over to her, and asked her if she would like to go out on a date some time.
“I don’t think so Jim, I’m actually seeing someone.” I talked with her a little bit more and began walking away. Now the funny thing is that although I was disappointed I was also feeling a little proud of myself, that I had actually followed through and asked her.
I remember thinking how it was a relief to at least have some closure, and if I had the confidence to ask her, the girl I'd liked for 2 years, than I could ask any girl.
I started feeling better, almost proud. I told my friend what happened and said "It's true, the worst a girl can say is no?
I soon found out there are words worse than no.
“The Words that Almost
Made Me Puke...”
About 10 minutes had passed and I heard laughter coming from the other room. I began walking over to see what was up. As I got closer I began to recognize the voice, it was the girl I had asked out. As I got even closer I began to recognize the words she was saying, I wish I hadn’t.
“Yeah, I told him I had a boyfriend and that I wouldn’t be able to take him up on the offer, I figured I’d let him down easy.” I heard her tell her friends.
“He should know better anyways, look at him and then look at you”, her friend added.
I began to feel that metallic taste in my mouth as I began understanding what was being said.
“Yeah, it's true isn’t it, I take the time to look like this and he’s a fat slob who has the nerve to ask me out on a date. The more I think about it, maybe I should’ve told him he’s a fat slob just to teach him a lesson.”
Then they all started laughing
I walked away feeling numb, those words echoing through my head. Things had officially hit bottom for me and I didn’t know what to do.
At that point I didn’t care what she said, I cared that what she said was true. I was as a “fat slob”, and what was worse was that I had tried everything to change and couldn’t.
That's what bothered me the most, the belief that I was a failure and always would be.
Things Got Worse…
I went home that night feeling completely destroyed. So, I did what I always did when I got upset, I ate. But it was different this time becaue it wasn't making me feel any better.
As I kept eating I kept getting madder and madder at myself. I realized at that moment that no amount of junk food was going to ease the pain, but I KEPT EATING. Now this is the exact moment when things went from really upset to desperate.
I knew I was really in trouble because if I couldn’t get myself to stop eating after all this pain and after realizing that it wasn’t making me feel better, than when would I ever stop.
Was I Going To Die Young TOO?
I haven’t told you this yet, but I have to in order for you to understand the real reason that I was so upset about not being able to control my eating.
The most painful event in my life happened when I was 9 years old. This was the year that my father died. Painful in itself, it was made worse because it was from a heart attack.
Even at that young age I knew that the overeating and obesity was a factor. So, in my pain I swore that I would never make those same mistakes, I would make my health a priority. But here I was 11 years later, following the same path. I thought to myself:
“If that much pain can’t change me, than nothing will.”
Looking for Answers
I was so desperate that I began looking through some old psychology books to learn about addictions because that was the only thing that would explain what I was doing.
I kept looking for some answers to why I couldn’t stop eating. Addictive personalities, abnormal psychology, manic depressive, repressing emotions, all these theories but no practical answers.
After a few hours I finally worked my way into the old boxed up books I had in the attic. I was searching through a box of books looking for anything that would help me, and that is when I noticed a book about brainwashing.
It wasn’t an impressive looking book, as a matter of fact it was a paper back copy that was held together by a piece of duct tape along the spine.
I began flipping through it and read about how the Chinese successfully brainwashed American soldiers during World War II into supporting communism.
I was amazed to learn how it worked. Effective brainwashing was very subtle. Misdirection, associative conditioning, and positive reinforcement were all used to gently re-program battle hardened soldiers into supporting communism.
But what really amazed me was that they did this without the soldiers even noticing.
As I continue to read I began to feel a chill move up my spine. I was starting to realize that I was acting just like the soldiers.
For the first time I was able to see all the subtle psychological tactics being used against me.
For the first time I realised that it wasn't my fault,
I had been brainwashed to be fat. |